Cole, 8/23/14:

 

 

Hola a todos! 

As always, I sincerely hope than any reader or follower of this blog is doing well!  Congrats to you for staying true to yourself.  In the end, in my humble opinion, that is all that really matters, and that is all you can truly be proud of at the end of the day.  It doesn’t mean you have to be selfish.  It just means you should be proud of yourself for the decisions you have made and you can sleep well at night, knowing that you did well, and did what was right for your own current situation, because we are all dealing with our own personal battles, from day to day, on the inside, even if we try to hold that toxic shit in, and just try to be strong all the time. 

 

We all have our weaknesses and battles.  I can say with conviction that, most likely, each and every person on this earth is battling with some sort of dilemma or problem, some quite obviously more serious and grave than others, but that we are all human, and whatever it is we are dealing with personally is as important and significant to us as it is with anyone else.  War, hunger, drought, love (or lack there of), suppression, manipulation, etc.  Obviously some are more severe and difficult than others, but to each individual, whatever personal battle they may be fighting, is very real and present, and I think it’s kind of commendable to be able to step back from one’s own personal issue and recognize that other people are going through some heavy shit as well.  At the very least, and in a sick sort of way, it might just make you feel better about your own personal plight. 

 

I just recently reminded myself of this for several reasons.  I do try to follow the news, when I have time for it, no matter how depressing it may be, and the situation in Ferguson is just mind blowing!  It makes me feel even more disgusted than I already did about some of the states in this country, and even just this country in general.  I mean, just, WHAT.  THE.  FUCK? 

 

Another thing that had me sort of hung up, for about a handful of hours, was this one, super lame and negative chick I have had to work with in my recent job situation.  The reason I’m even mentioning this, and the reason I  believe it is significant and pertains to my post, is that I know it probably has nothing to do with me, and is entirely her issue, and therefore is her own personal battle that she is dealing with, but it doesn’t change the fact that people effect us, no matter if it is their problem or ours.  That is just the way life works.

 

Long story short, she is probably a really nice chick, but super insecure.  She exhibits her insecurities at work by speaking to me like a full on fucking retard because I don’t have a viticulture degree from Cal Poly, and while this is my first harvest, she has worked a whopping ONE other harvest at another winery, and therefore, I assume, she thinks I am somehow incompetent and incapable of learning?     

 

Yeah, she’s kind of a cunt, but that’s her issue, not mine.  She probably only behaves that way because she knows I’m competition, and if that is indeed the case, she would be spot on!  I am competition.  I want this fucking job, and not just for harvest and crush.  I want to stay, and I am working my ass off to make my dream a reality.  That does not mean that I am a teacher’s pet by any means, it just means that I have passion and drive.  Any time an opportunity is given to me, I take it.  When asked if anyone wants to stay late to clean a press, I volunteer.  To inoculate, to add chems, to clean a tank, to solve a problem of any sort, I am willing and eager to stay on and do what, if anything, I can.  The rad thing about it though, is that I’m not doing it because it pays overtime, even though it does.  I would gladly stay for free.  I’m doing it because I want to learn, succeed, and hopefully adhere to and thrive in this particular industry.  Some of my friends even wonder and ask why it took me so long to join it.

 

 

So while she may have a degree, she also has a shitty, lazy attitude, and would probably be better off doing analysis in the lab, in an atmosphere as sterile and frigid as her personality.  This winery already has two wine makers.  They don’t need another one.  What they do need, are people willing to do the labor, to do the actual, physical, work, and people who are passionate, upbeat, and pliable.  A degree is one thing, but drive, work ethic, and the ability to learn and adapt are another thing entirely.  Wine making is a science, and it’s also not.  A lot of blending and other aspects are left up to interpretation, artistic manipulation, and palate.  You cannot teach this sort of concept in a classroom.  You learn it through experience.  The fact that I don’t have a degree in viticulture does not intimidate or inhibit me in the slightest.  It is irrelevant.  My father has a degree in political science.  For a living, he designs athletic gear, and he does well for himself.  The main wine maker at the winery I work for also did not graduate from the college he attended with a degree that pertained to his current profession.  I could go on about others.  Bill Gates, for example.  Anyone?  I think my point has been made.  A degree is nice on paper, but all that really matters, at the end of the day, is what you’re good at, what you can learn, and how bad you want what you are striving for.            

 

In the meantime, I am networking, spending more time with my friends who are in the wine industry, and absorbing and learning everything and anything I can, to make myself a more desirable and profitable, potential, permanent employee.  My good friend, the Tempest, is assistant winemaker at a gold level Leed certified winery in Paso.  He is a very knowledgeable, competent, and patient teacher.  I went to an industry event with him and his good friend, who is the main winemaker at another winery in Paso, on Thursday night.  I feel that it would be beneficial to me, at this turning point in my life, not only to learn as much as I can, but also to meet other people in the industry, who could recognize my passion and drive, and, quite possibly, want to take me on if for whatever reason the winery I am currently working for doesn’t have the space to keep me or doesn’t want me.  I’m like a tick.  Or else a honey badger.  When I want something, I strive to get it, no matter what it takes.  I will dig in and plant roots!  This is an industry I’ve dreamt of being in for a long time, but for whatever reason I was too stupid or lazy to tap into.  Now that I’ve been tapped, I plan on staying.  I almost feel silly for feeling like fucking off the solar gig was a stupid move.  This industry pulls at my heartstrings and leaves me breathless at night.  I’m quitting smoking again.  I need a fresh, untainted palate.  This shit is real, and heavy, and significant.  This job moves and inspires me.  I am so happy I almost feel like I’m on drugs.  It’s euphoria! 

 

 

My “social life” is going great as well, if you can call it that.  I’m not actually very social, I am just really lucky and blessed to have a handful of really great, amazing friends who are supportive, intelligent, funny, nurturing, and understanding, and they all have excellent vocabularies!  A total must for me!  I love my friends so much it could almost bring tears to my eyes.  One example, is that my Dear Friend from SLO has loaned me his .357 magnum for me to shoot on my birthday.  Another of Marge’s and my dear friends, Mickey, said he would loan me his 9 millimeter.  One of my landscaper buddies was joking with me that I practically had an arsenal.  I said “not really.”  To have an arsenal I would need to throw in a few of my knives and at least a .22.”  We laughed and laughed.  Well, not one hour later, not only did Mickey roll up with the promised 9 millimeter, he also brought me a fucking brand new .22 who’s cherry I get to pop, and a fucking 40 caliber, plus ammo for all three guns!  I now have five fucking guns to take out with me to Turkey Flats on my birthday.  I am so freaking thrilled and excited!  My birthday almost can’t get here fast enough!  I’m a little hesitant to shoot the .357 all by myself, as I’ve never shot one before.  I would hate to accidentally shoot my face off.  That would be a very unpleasant birthday surprise.  I think I’ll be fine though.  I’m pretty tough.  And then by the time I get done, Marge should be home from watching the Dave Miller band play, and we will have a nice little family dinner at home.  Very intimate.  I couldn’t ask for anything more.  I think this is going to be a good year for me.  The best I’ve had in what seems like ages.    

 

 

     

 

As for my non-existent love life, I would have to say that I am still pretty content with my decision.  Being single suits me, for now...  It’s nice to only have myself and my dog to worry about, and to not have to stress over a selfish, narcissistic man who treated me like a disposable, unimportant distraction or boredom deterrent, when he could fit me into his “busy” schedule.  I guess it’s just human nature, but sometimes, when I have quiet time to think to myself, usually in the morning over coffee, I can’t help but wonder what I did wrong.  What happened in April to change the dynamics of our relationship entirely, to where he decided he could just start treating me very poorly?  I guess in the end, it doesn’t really matter why, it just matters that it happened, it had become my reality, and so I decided that I loved and respected myself too much to continue to put up with it.  Maybe I didn’t do anything wrong at all.  Maybe he is just a bad, mean person.  I will probably never really know what happened, and that is ok.  With harvest rapidly approaching, I probably won’t have time for a relationship anyway, dysfunctional or otherwise, I’ll be so busy working long hours, six days a week.  Besides, I like my quiet nights alone in bed anyway, with a nice glass of red wine, a good book, and my puppy. 

 

 

At least at the end of the day I can feel good about myself because I never did him any wrong.  I doesn’t really do me any good, but it’s still nice to know that I didn’t do anything wrong at all.  I was always true to him.  Maybe it was because I wanted to absolve myself from some of the mistakes I made in my past, with my failing marriage.  I won’t pretend to be faultless, even if the “mistakes” I made were wrong for the right reasons.  We all make mistakes, and anyone who claims otherwise would be a voracious liar!  Then again, maybe I was always true to him because I really didn’t desire anyone else.  I truly only had eyes for him.  He was the only man I craved and desired.  Doesn’t matter.  He never trusted me even though I never gave him any reason to not trust me.  I guess it was just because of my past, but the past and the present are not the same thing.  I did everything I could think of to convince him that I was being true to him.  Nothing I said or did mattered.  Sigh…

 

 

 

Maybe it was rude of me to just peace out and block him the way I did, but I knew if I told him that I wanted to break up, he would talk me out of it, just like every other time.  Sweet, syrupy, cloying words with no substance or truth behind them.  I couldn’t do that to myself anymore.  I was sick of the lies, so I just peaced out without a mention of my intentions.  He’s a big boy.  He can handle it.  If you can’t handle what you deserve, maybe you should think twice about the way you decide to treat the people in your life who you claim are important to you and that you love.

 

 

 

 

All of this is now irrelevant, however, because the sentiment was not reciprocated, and my life has become infinitely better without him in it.  I think I made a lot of bad life choices for myself when he was a part of my life, and it feels really great to not have the constant stress in my life.  My life now is much more peaceful, is moving in a really positive direction, and I’m the happiest I’ve been in probably two years, since learning that Sedouche was trying to get me fired (and succeeded), two years ago, on August 30’th, 2012, the day before my 29’th birthday.    

 

 

I am like the Rapist, but I’m also not.  I have an ego, but, unlike him, it does not define or control me.  I have no problem knowing that some of the people at the nuke plant read my posts.  I have no problem with them knowing that I loved the Rapist, even though he treated me like shit.  I have no problem writing about my life for people to read about, both strangers and acquaintances alike, because Marge and I both write with the hope that people can relate, commiserate, or learn from our own ridiculous life mistakes, struggles, and triumphs.  We don’t write because we want to be famous, though neither of us would mind it!  We write because it is therapeutic, because we have that drive and passion, and because it makes us happy, especially if we know someone can benefit in some way from our own personal struggles, even if they live all the way across the world.  I don’t care if people know I sometimes think I’m an idiot, or know that I’m broke as fuck.  I’m adult enough to set that part of my ego aside, shrug my shoulders and just get on with living life.  Sometimes some shit sucks, but for the most part, I’m pretty happy, and not giving a shit what other people think about me is a huge and significant part of my happiness.  If I can express or reiterate any point to anyone who reads or follows our blog, that would be it, and would be all that really mattered.  Do right for yourself, set your ego aside, stop caring about your image or your ego or whatever, and just do what makes you happy.  People will always hate on you, even if you’re curing cancer.  People will always find a way to direct their hate toward you, because they hate themselves.  People who love themselves don’t hate. 

 

So the next time someone judges you, hates on you, or treats you like shit, try to remember that, in all reality, it actually has nothing to do with you, and has everything to do with the hater.  You can kill with kindness or do whatever else gives you a better feeling inside, but know that that person is only hating on you because they are probably very unhappy, and dealing with an incredibly difficult, painful, inner conflict that you know nothing about.