(Cole) 1/3/15:
Hola a todos! I hope that everyone had a great New Year’s Eve, and that the New Year itself has kicked off to a great fresh start, with a clean slate, to pave the way for future happiness. As for me, my New Year’s Eve was pretty mellow, but it was awesome. I worked until about seven, got to take home eight pretty much full bottles of epic wine to drink, seeing as we were closed the next day, and could not hold on to them. I came home, cracked a delicious bottle of champagne, then did a little tasting of some of the wines I did not gas (so as to hold them over for the following day), conversed with the lovely and always entertaining Marge for a bit, and then sat down behind my computer to write, with my adorable little puppy in my lap. I watched the ball drop with Marge at midnight, and then went back to writing. When I hit a stalemate with where I wanted to go, I turned my computer off and crawled into bed to read, and ultimately ended up falling asleep with the book in my hands, which is not uncommon for me, on any given day of the week, but it was mellow and peaceful, and thankfully, I was not out and about, freezing my ass off, surrounded by people I couldn’t stand or had nothing in common with, screaming to try and maintain a conversation over blasting music I do not enjoy, running around looking for someone to kiss at the stroke of midnight (getting mouth herpes from a stranger does not sound fun to me!). That is not my style, and if that was what my night had turned into, I would not have been very happy, and I would hate to spend the very first second of the very first day of a brand new year unhappy.
New Year’s day, on the other hand, while still pretty mellow, was WAY more exciting and eventful, but what can I say? I’m just more fun and into doing things and getting into trouble when I have the entire day off, get to sleep in, and just see where the day takes me, which leads me to a new idea that just occurred to me, one can even consider if a fresh “resolution” to add to my list, but I only just now thought of it, and the idea is so delicious and enticing that it has me positively giddy with joy!
The series of events that have ultimately lead me up to this new, current, change of perspective were pretty random and inconsequential, and the thought really only just now occurred to me, at 10:42 on a Saturday night, having gotten home from work, showered, poured myself a glass of wine and began reflecting on how the beginning of my new year has been great in terms of work, but outside of work, pretty uninspiring and bland. I started thinking of the person I used to be, the person I am slowly becoming again, at least in terms of happiness and loving myself, and then all of the sudden this idea popped into my head, and I decided that I should tackle it, and own it, and maybe then and only then can I truly be the whole person that I used to be, two years ago, when I had just moved to SLO, and was so happy to be starting my life over fresh, newly single, independent, confident, and loving every minute of life.
But before I get to this new, gorgeous idea, a little background story. After all, the reader should know where my head has been to get me to my current state of mind…
New Year’s day, I slept in. I made myself a pot of coffee, and tried to finish my blog post, because I really wanted to post something upbeat for the New Year. I had a lot of ideas and thoughts rolling around in my head, and I wanted to get them down. Writing is pretty much the thing that makes me the most happy these days, apart from work, and nothing brings a bigger smile to my face or has me so excited and genuinely positive than when I am behind my computer, expressing myself, and hopefully penning some sentences or paragraphs that people can relate to, and benefit from, in some way.
I knew that Marge wanted to commandeer Mickey’s truck for the day and get a little joy riding in, so I was rushing to finish my post and get it up and running, in case some hungover blog followers wanted something to read. I poured myself the last glass of champagne in the bottle from the previous night, which I had abandoned early to get more intimate with some reds that I pour at work, so as to better speak about them with people, but I would never let a delicious bottle of champagne go to waste, and it was a new year, I was feeling upbeat because I was writing, frisky because I knew we were going to get out of the house in a beefy, four wheel drive, diesel, and I just wanted my first fresh day to kick off epically.
I finished my post, but I was in a slight rush, so afterward I just threw on whatever was lying on the floor and off we went! After picking up the truck, we decided to go to the Kilt, in Paso, because Marge brought her dog, they had a patio, and I thought that a pint of IPA sounded like a delicious idea. It wasn’t until we were about half way there that I realized that not only was I un-showered from the night before, but that I had also not had time to brush my teeth or run a comb through my hair. I was wearing a pair of army pants with the top two buttons popped off, a tank top that said “sunshine and fuckin’ rainbows” with a skull and crossbones on the front of it, a pair of combat boots, unzipped, my skull ring on my right middle finger, and my brass knuckles necklace with the keys to my 12 gauge slung on them, and a black leather jacket. At least I had remembered to spray on a squirt of perfume, but that was about the only thing I had going for me at the time. But I didn’t care! I felt good, I was with my best friend, we were cruising around in a big ass truck, I wasn’t too hungover, and was slightly buzzed off my glass of champagne on an empty stomach, and we were going to have a beer and enjoy the first day of a brand new year on the crisp, fallen leaf filled patio of a local bar, and it was beautiful in its simplicity.
The sun was out, the patio was positively covered with fallen leaves, the light was gorgeous, and I felt good! I left Marge on the patio with her dog and went inside to get us drinks. The bar was packed, and the buzz inside was radiating warmth and happiness. I sidled up and as I was waiting to put in my order, I started talking some shit about college football to the two men on either side of me. We discussed the Raiders, other teams, the football season in general, and I ended up having my Lagunitas IPA, Corona (for Marge), and shot of Jameson purchased for me, by one of the gentleman I was conversing with. I was dressed like a fucking hobo, un-showered, with un-brushed teeth and hair, and was already having drinks bought for me. I was feeling pretty impressed with 2015, and had only been up for a handful of hours. Not a bad way to kick off the New Year!
Marge and I drank our beers out on the patio and engaged in lively conversation. For numerous reasons we haven’t really spent all that much time together, over the past few months, or really since I had began working harvest at Niner winery and she was in an outage at the nuke plant, so it was really lovely to just chat about life, the past year, our hopes for the new year, etc. We finished our beers and went home, picking up fast food on the way back. I mowed down a disgusting amount of cheeseburgers, fries, and chicken nuggets, and then took a nap, showered, and got ready to hear one of our favorite bands play at Frog and Peach, in SLO.
We rolled up a little early, and as always, talked a little shit with the band, as they were setting up, passing flasks around, etc… It’s always great to be on the bass player’s good side ;)
The band played wonderfully, as always, and I had several interesting conversations with a handful of random strangers, got hit on a bit, but by no one I was interested in, and met some “industry” people that I could talk about wine and spirits with, exchanged a few business cards, etc. It was a nice, chilly, mellow night in SLO, with not a whole lot of people out, which I love. Frog and Peach can get so crowded and loud, so to me it was a perfect evening. Pretty dead bar, best seats in the house, entertaining conversations. I came home and passed the fuck out, only to wake up the next day for work slightly hungover, but not morbidly so. My weakness for whiskey gets me every time. Just a little fuzzy and sleep deprived. Aside from that I was fine, and I was working the late shift anyway, one to ten, because we were offering a new special; a glass of cabernet sauvignon and an epic blue cheese burger for twenty bucks. The interest and outcome was not bad, for a frigid, January evening, and some of the nicest industry people attended and kept us entertained and busy behind the bar. It was a great night, but not part of the reasoning behind what sparked my latest, greatest idea for myself in the past two years…
Before burger and a glass of cab. kicked off, at five, it was business as usual, and we were busy. Not slammed, but it was a pretty full house, and I was pouring for several people, in addition to a large group that just came in, to celebrate a birthday. The large group that had just entered were well dressed, attractive, and seemed to be in their late thirties and early forties. They were lively, pleasant, polite, not drunk, but I had to do a double take, once they all meandered in and gathered around a large table in the middle of the tasting room, because one of the guys looked almost exactly like the Rapist, only hotter, and he had all his hair (the Rapist’s hair is prematurely “thinning”, to put it politely). I was instantly attracted to him, but tried my best to avoid eye contact, at first, because I didn’t want to come across as weird, but I was oddly drawn to him, even though he was someone I had never met before. But it was fascinating, that I could be so attracted to a complete stranger, simply by association. The further into their tasting, I could tell that he was intrigued as well, but I was busy, and we did not converse much.
Later, once the bar thinned out and my time was freed, the majority of them came to the bar, and conversations ensued. I spoke mainly with him, and learned that he was in town to meet up for the celebration of a birthday, but was from the bay area, visiting friends he attended college with at Cal Poly. The more time went on the more he held me hostage and occupied the majority of my time. I wanted to lean across the bar and lick his fucking face, but I remained professional and even slightly aloof. He was a complete stranger, after all.
The more time that passed, the more tempted I was to just write down my number and slide it to him across the bar. He was only in town for a couple of days, anyway, and I had this insane desire to just meet up with him and hate fuck the shit out of him, because I didn’t necessarily like the guy all that much, or want anything more to do with him than just take some aggression out. The group was large, and though he did not seem to have come in with a woman, I couldn’t be sure, and aside from that, I don’t even know how that sort of thing works. I didn’t want to come across as forward, or desperate, or trashy. I NEVER hit on people at work, and I never even call any of the dudes who give me their numbers! I’m not loose, I’m not a whore, but I actually am pretty due for a good fucking, but I don’t really know how to delicately approach the situation. I’ve been far too good for FAR too long, and I think it might just be time to change that, but I am getting slightly ahead of myself.
Before the hotter, Rapist-look-alike left, he bought two bottles of wine, confessing while he purchased them that he didn’t even really drink wine, and chatting me up, keeping my attention fully engaged. I pussed out, did not write my number on his receipt, and watched him leave, while confessing to one of my co-workers the dilemma I was faced with. He laughed at me and called me out for being a pussy. He said the guy would have been fucking stoked to have an all night fuck fest with me, and told me to step up my game, but there in case, lies the problem, and the new turn of events that has lead me into me thinking I might just need to revert back to the person I used to be, in order to be happy…
I’m too good, as of late, and I should just be bad. I’ve been too good, for the past two years, because of the Rapist, even when he and I have not been together, because I guess on some level, I always wanted to believe that he and I would get back together, so I allow myself no naughty, guilty pleasures. But why be good? What has being good the past two years gotten me? Nothing. Aside from being fucked over, mistreated, fucked out of an epic job, or verbally abused by scorned, potential suitors. (Seriously though. I’ve had some dudes freak the fuck out on me!). So if being good has brought me nothing but bad news, yet being bad had previously delivered to me everything I could have possibly asked for, why am I still riding this fucked up, shoddy “nice” train? The newer, sleeker, naughty train is looking pretty state of the art, right about now.
When the Rapist and I split for about a month, in April, I remember one of my previous bosses from the nuke plant trying to cheer me up. He said, “you’re young, you’re hot, and you’re smart. Probably too damn smart for your own good”. (To this day, probably the best compliment I have ever received, though looks and age are fleeting. It tops being told I was “creepy, yet attractive, at McCarthy’s, which previously held the record, out of sheer hilarity.) He was trying to cheer me up, because I was in a really bad place. I know most of the people in my life have always felt like the Rapist was/is unworthy of me, and have tried to shine actual, physical light on the situation, but when your head is stuck in the sand, you tend to overlook certain aspects of reality. I feel like I am now ready to pull my head out of the sand, and look reality in the face. I am ready to start dating. I am ready to be naughty, spontaneous, get into trouble, have adventures, and be open to the possibility of meeting someone who is actually somewhat cultured, open, traveled, literate, and adventurous. I don’t want to be good for the sake of being good, for the reason of actually, genuinely wanting to be good for someone dirty, disrespectful, and unworthy, just to absolve myself of past sins. I have been good for far too long, for someone far too beneath me. I am still willing to be good, but now I would like to be good for someone who deserves my devotion, and until then, fuck the world! I’ll do what I want! I want to be good for someone who appreciates my voracious sexual appetite and meets my physical demands and desires, not someone who says I am only to be granted two boners a day, and cannot ask for more. I want to be good for someone who is fucking stoked on the person I am, what I have accomplished in life, continue to try and achieve, and who is proud to be with me, not ashamed of me because he cares too much about incoherent lies and rumors. And also, someone who doesn’t put a limit on the amount of erections he can provide me in a day. For a guy claiming to be going through a mid-life crisis, I would think he would be a little more generous in the boner department, but I’m not a dude, and certainly not a dude on the cusp of 40, so I guess I don’t really know how dude “junk” works at that age.
For a long time I thought that perhaps the Rapist thought he was better than me, but at the same time I knew it could only be because he made more money than me, and even at that, when I was working at the nuke plant, not that much more at all. But surely he could not think that he was better than me for any other reason. He was certainly older, less educated, less literate in his own native language, less traveled, less cultured, and knew far less about food, wine, literature, and most other things that mattered to me in life. Why he thought he was better than me always baffled me, unless of course he thought his past was less shady and cloudy than mine, and even then I would never give him the upper hand in any way, shape, or form. The past is nothing more than the culmination of events that shapes the person you become in the future. The past is not really significant. The only thing that really matters is who and what the present person chooses to leave in the past, and who the present person is in the present moment, and strives to be in the future. The past belongs nowhere but in the past…
So, for a lot of reasons, I have decided to change my outlook and manner of living. I will be more spontaneous, more ambitious, more open to the different options life offers up. I will not shy away from enticing options, nor will I throw myself at anything shady, just for the sake of being more outgoing.
When I came to work a couple of days later, my co-worker who I had confessed my desire to hate fuck that one guy to, we’ll call him Chef (because he is one and went to culinary school), could not stop laughing about it. I thought what he said to me when I walked in was that I just refused to get over not giving that guy my number that night, and I when I agreed that he was right and it was stupid, and that I just should have, he corrected me and said he meant that he couldn’t get over it, and that it was his new mission to find me someone to hate fuck. I laughed and happily agreed. Makes my job a hell of a lot easier! I don’t even have to put any work into it aside from judging a potential victim and either accepting or denying the candidates he brings to me. Pretty simple! :D
And until then, I have taken the blinders off, now that I feel I am finally physically and emotionally capable of getting back into the “game”, and dating again, and not feeling weird about it, or like I am betraying the Rapist in some way, who now no longer factors into my decision making process. Just in the past couple of days alone I have noticed how many really attractive, single men in the industry there actually are out there, and even seem eager to converse with me, as I pour them wine, and hand me their business cards and tell me that I should most certainly come in and taste when they are pouring at their winery, or barrel sample in their cellar, should they be cellar masters, winemakers, or assistant winemakers. I feel sort of silly for being so anti all this time, for not taking these attractive men up on their offers, especially since we have at least one or two things deeply in common. Which is food and wine, in addition to several varying others, depending on which person and the subjects we discuss while enjoying the “art” and etiquette of pouring and tasting wine.
Just today two very attractive industry gentlemen came in. One worked at a winery in Santa Maria, pouring wine, but also assisting in making wine as well, and the other, one of the chefs at The Madonna Inn. They were slightly shy at first, but I was in a great mood, and quickly put them at ease with my casual manner of speaking and odd humor. When I asked the chef what he did, he said he dealt with cows and steak. I replied, “like butchering them?” He laughed, and said that he used to. I said that I had always wanted to learn how to butcher animals, and that I thought I would make a great butcher. They both responded that they would love to have a girlfriend who could butcher a cow, proper. Since they were both attractive to me, the chef more than the wine guy, I had to wonder; did this mean that they both had girlfriends incapable of butchering cows, or that they were single, but thought it would be cool to date a hot butcher chick?
Had I been on my “game”, I would have quickly replied that while I may not be able to proper butcher a cow, I could certainly proper re-tile their bathroom or kitchen floor, which I’m sure would have intrigued them, but as I said, I am a bit rusty at this being available and single thing. I know it’ll start to come quite naturally, I just need to remember that I am single and open to options now, whereas before, I may have been single, but I was not available. There is quite a difference!
Wishing they had been more specific but not knowing how to politely inquire, I continued to pour for them the way I typically do for any industry people who are not lame and are super cool. I don’t make them choose a tasting flight (as we have four different flights, because we make a lot of wine), but I picked and chose my favorite wines to pour for them, explaining to them why I chose the wines I did, why I thought they were special, unique, delicious, etc. They lightened up and became much more relaxed and friendly, and asked me if I would mind giving them a tour of the facility. I told them I would love to, as I was not very busy, passed the other group I was pouring for at the time to a co-worker, replenished their glasses, poured myself a taste of one of our reserve Chardonnays we very rarely open to pour tastings of, because so few barrels of it were actually made, and I took them around the building, to our reserve tasting room, the banquet room, and the two upper terraces, to show them the view and explain our future plans for the copious amounts of space we have at our disposal.
We discussed other local wineries in the area, while on the terrace, overlooking the rolling hills of Paso Robles. I had told them that my co-workers and I were all going out tasting together on Tuesday, the day the tasting room is closed, after a work meeting, and they told me about their favorite places, places we should go to and places we should avoid. The one guy who worked at a winery was telling me about all the places he had worked harvests, both domestically and abroad, giving me tips on how to get more cellar hours, how to go about landing another cellar job by next harvest, should it for some reason not work out at the winery I am currently working for. They were just really great, easy going dudes, who came in shy and aloof and left completely transformed. I like that I more often than not have that effect on people in the tasting room. It tells me that I am doing my job right. By the time we descended the stairs and they were paying out, they were all smiles, grateful for my time and hospitality, business cards were exchanged, and off they went.
I think that what I have learned over the past month or so, but really more over the past couple of weeks, is that no matter what you do, for a living, or just in general, life is what you make of it. You can choose to focus on the positive, you can choose to focus on the negative, or you can choose to just get out there, enjoy life, smile, do what you love, love what you do, meet awesome new people, and be grateful for the things you do have as opposed to focusing on the things you don’t. Revel in the good, don’t dwell on the bad, and don’t let anyone unworthy of your time or love bring you down, because you’d really be surprised how much you can miss out on, when you are holding onto something that truly does not belong in your life. Live, love, grow. Let the toxic, negative, oppressive influences in your life go, in fact, kick them to the curb, because they can bring you down in ways you aren’t even aware of. Appreciate and embrace the little beauties in life, and before you know it, you’ll be the happiest you’ve ever been!
I’m looking forward to 2015 being a year full of new and exciting experiences and challenges, new opportunities, filled with learning, growing, meeting new people and discovering new things. I’m looking forward to advancing with my new current company, and certainly to helping them to succeed and advance in the community as well. I truly believe that if I keep smiling, keep with my current state of mind, stay positive and upbeat, continue down this new, great and exciting path I’ve decided to take, 2015 will be the best year I’ve had in a long time, and I cannot wait to see where the road takes me!
Cheers, everyone, to a bountiful and euphoric 2015!!!
MUAK!!!
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