(Cole):
There is a reason so many people refer to
dating as “the dating game” and
that is the very reason I don’t want to play. I am not a game player, nor have I ever really been. I’m just too old for this shit…
I will admit, I have an
iPhone 5, but I don’t use it the way it was meant to be used, and I should
probably have a dinosaur phone like Marge does. All these “young” people with their aps. They can have them! Take your angry birds and your
futuristic video games. I’m good
with Solitaire. It’s my one guilty
smart phone pleasure, and lets be honest, it’s really not that “smart”.
As my ex husband never
hesitated to remind me, I was born old.
I yell out the window at kids for riding their bikes on the wrong side
of the street (not to be mean.
It’s dangerous and illegal!), I only just recently starting reading my
news online, and I prefer the original Super Mario Brothers for Nintendo than
this new age, hyper realistic crap!
I don’t understand it and I don’t care to. I don’t even have my phone set up to receive email. I find it annoying to have my phone
going off every five minutes, and besides, I’m a creature of habit. I prefer to check my email in the
morning. It’s a part of my morning
routine like reading the news while drinking a cup of coffee, brushing my
teeth, taking a shit, etc. I like
my routines as much as I like my solitude, and I don’t like people disrupting
them.
So if I don’t like to
play, why am I? I’m not afraid of
dying alone and more often than not I would rather spend a Friday or Saturday
night curled up with my dog in pajamas on the couch, conversing with Marge or
Wednesday Addams or even just watching an old movie I’ve already seen hundreds
of times. I am a creature of habit
and a creature of comfort, and lets face it, I am out of the habit of dating
and I find it decidedly uncomfortable. However… It would be nice to have someone who
enjoyed doing the things I enjoy, someone who enjoys them as much as I do, and
someone positively delicious to look at while we are doing these enjoyable
things. In other words, I suppose
what I am looking for is companionship, which I truly believed I would never
want again once I separated from my now ex-husband.
It’s true that I have
companionship with my friends, but I don’t want to fuck my friends. Aside from the fact that if I wanted to
we would probably already be more than friends, thus eliminating my conundrum
in the first place, most of my friends don’t exactly enjoy a lot of the things
I enjoy doing. Take Marge for
example. She is my best friend and
partner in crime, but she would rather drive a nail through her hand than go to
a nice restaurant, order several courses, sit for hours and then finish with a
nice scotch and a shot of espresso.
I’m fine with that, and totally understand, so when we go out, we
usually stick with Mexican food and Margaritas or burgers and beer. We both enjoy that, and we always have
a blast doing that together, but that doesn’t mean I don’t crave someone to love
the fine dining experience as much as do, and even better, someone I want to
wrestle with once we devour the last crumb of food and drop of wine.
So great. At least I’m making some progress in
figuring out what it is I want. So
aside from the people messaging me on the dating website and asking me if I
want to have a threesome with them and their fiancés (seriously, and all the
guy sent was a picture of his abs to go along with it! I mean come on. If you want me to consider it you
should at least send a picture of you AND your fiancé, and I want to see your
faces!) I am hearing from people who aren’t terribly horrifying, but this is
the problem. I don’t want to
settle for ‘not terribly horrifying’, like the idiot whose screen name was
seriously “meatpole4u2danceon”. I
want to meet someone who actually piques my interest as much as I do theirs,
someone who bothers to read my profile and comment in an intelligent,
grammatically correct way, someone who says more than “Hey sexy” or “Wow” or
“nice eyes”. If a man can’t at
least make an effort well then neither will I!
I have been on a few
dates. And the dates went well,
but I could just tell right away that they weren’t going to work for me. Some of them passed the “yes, I could picture
him naked between my legs” test, but I am at a point in my life where I am
looking for more than just a fuck n chuck. I want someone I want to fuck and sit across from at a table and stand the sight of
their face, their body, and their conversation for the duration of the
meal.
After basically giving up
hope that I would find anyone compatible with me, let alone someone I also
didn’t mind looking at, I was contacted by someone who not only met my
expectations, he exceeded them.
We’ll call him The Giant, because the guy is almost 6’5”. Aside from being huge, (I don’t know in
how many ways yet. I’m a lady!) at
39 he is ten years older than I, which is prefect. He also speaks French and Spanish, is a certified sommelier,
knows more about food and wine than I do, also loves to consume decadent,
multi-course meals over hours, with each course paired with a perfect wine,
loves to read, has read my favorite author, Henry Miller, extensively, has
tattoos, likes to shoot guns, is well traveled, and is very active both in
sports and in the community, and… he’s easy on the eyes. We had an incredible first date,
talking, enjoying the sunshine, munching on food, drinking wine, hopping from
place to place. I had a great
time! There’s just one little
thing I’m not sure about yet. He’s
very forward, and I don’t mean sexually.
I mean emotionally, and it’s freaking me out!
I like it when someone
likes me, but when someone who barely knows me likes me as much as this guy
does (or at least claims to), I see red flags. One date, and though it was a long one, and we had been
texting for about three weeks before even meeting, one date and he is saying
things like he wants to take me to The French Laundry in Napa for an epic
dinner, up the coast to Carmel and Monterey, wants to take me Universal Studios
and even Italy. I’m like ‘dude,
you don’t even know if you like me yet!’ and he’s like ‘oh yes. I can tell. I like you already.’
So there’s that, and the fact that he’s already asking me if I am
comfortable with his work schedule, if I want kids and if I’ll re-marry. It’s too much! It felt like I hadn’t even released the
E brake yet and he wanted go full throttle. It was overwhelming.
Here’s a sample text
exchange we’ve had since our first and only date, just to paint a clearer
picture:
The Giant: Marry me?
(This isn’t the fist time
he has jokingly “proposed”. Until
this time, I had either ignored the question entirely, told him I was never
getting married again, or told him he was insane. So this time I decided to mix it up a little, to weird him
out a bit and scare some honesty out of him…)
Me: If I ever get married
again I want a black diamond and I’m wearing a black leather and black lace dress
with Hermes Metisse strappy sandals also in black… I am a freak!
The Giant: For you my dear, the world!!
Me: You’re all talk!
The Giant: Have I come up short somewhere? You know we are a power couple! We are so similar and share so many
things in common. It’s scary good!
I’m thinking ‘what? We’re a couple already?’ And not just a couple, but a “power
couple”! What in the hell do I
bring to the “relationship” to make us a power couple? I’m practically a degenerate as far as
my parents and the nuclear industry are concerned.
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