(Cole):

Decisions, decisions…

As Americans, we are bombarded with myriad options, all we have to do is choose which option to take.  Seems simple enough, but sometimes too many options overwhelm us and hinder our decision making abilities.  A little over a year ago, when I was hosting a foreign exchange student from France, I made sure to take him to the supermarket with me and show him the toilet paper isle.  He was astounded by all the different types of toilet paper we have at our disposal.  In France, the toilet paper is pretty crappy (ha…), but at least you know it’s crappy, and there are only like, four or five brands to choose from.  Vitamin E with Aloe toilet paper?  Seriously?  It’s something you wipe your ass with and then flush down the toilet.  I wouldn’t give a shit if it was pink, scented, and made my asshole smell like roses, I can’t really see myself caring too much about something so trivial. 

Now toothpaste, well, that’s another story.  It’s a good thing I’m not a stoner or I would probably spend a good hour sifting through all the different types of toothpaste.  But I find toothpaste slightly more important than what I stick between my ass cheeks, so I do spend a fair amount of time down that isle as it is.

When it comes to men, again, variety is the spice of life, and it’s lovely to have the ability to choose, but sometimes having more than one option complicates things, and most of the time you’re lucky if you even have an option at all…

The easiest way to make a decision is process of elimination.  It’s pretty obvious which options you don’t want, so you check them off the list immediately.  As I had fairly recently joined a dating site, and options were piling up in my in box, the simplest way to eliminate an option was simply to delete him without writing back, and I did that, but somewhere along the line I guess I just sort of got bored and decided that it was rude to simply delete someone.  That’s when I started having a little fun. 

Let’s see…  There was the guy who sent me “hi.  How are you?” three days in a row and I decided to respond with “You already said that.  Twice.”  I did not receive a forth “hi. How are you?”

There was the guy I responded with “how am I supposed to know what you are trying to say if you don’t use punctuation?”  He did not write back either. 

I no longer recall what the guy who wrote to me in all caps responded with to my “Why are you yelling at me?” message, but I think my all time favorite of my somewhat snide but perfectly honest, and unfiltered responses was: “I would probably rather shoot myself in the face with my 12 gauge than hear you sing to me on a first date!”

     I know, I’m an asshole, but what can I say?  I was bored, it was funny (to me, anyway), and I have since deleted my account.  What’s the point?  The only person I have met on the site that could possibly work for me is the Giant, and so I have “hidden” my profile from others for a while.  I didn’t want to delete it all the way, in case things between the Giant and I don’t work out.  I wouldn’t want to have to start all over again, come up with a new user name, write a little something about myself, and upload pictures, etc, etc.  It’s such a gigantic waste of time and so tedious it’s a miracle I ever did it in the first place.  I must have been drunk…

     So, in hiding my account, I eliminated the obvious options that I didn’t want anything to do with, leaving me with only two:  The Giant, who I’m still not quite sold on yet, and Rapist, who will never really be able to give me everything I need, but who I am still in love with.  In reality, that only really leaves me one choice, or else zero choices, but to my heart, I still have two…

     Love isn’t about going out and having dinner, it’s about having an amazing connection with someone.  I know that, but sometimes the going out and having dinner part is something you want to do with the person you love.  Why?  I’m not sure exactly.  Maybe because when you love someone you want the whole world to know.  Not that you are showing off, but because you just can’t help yourself.  You are in love and you don’t care who sees it!  To go out in the sunshine on a hot summer day and have one too many beers, walk or take a cab home, go at it for a couple of drunk hours and then take a long nap entwined together in the middle of the day, the smell of sex still lingering in the air, sun shining in through the windows… 

If you love someone, you are willing to sacrifice some of the things you need, because you put the person you love before yourself.  But when does sacrifice become more destructive than beneficial to a relationship? 

     Again and I again I go back to what “Wednesday Addams” said to me: “If you love someone, why would you leave them?”  And she is right.  I am in love, so why would I toss it aside?  Wouldn’t getting snippets of this person’s time be enough if I were really in love?  When you are in love, you are selfless.  You only want to put the other person first.  I have done this for him, but when has rapist ever put me first? 

     Sure, he has made some sacrifices for me, has bent to my will when I demanded it, but I shouldn’t have to demand anything.  What I want should be given to me freely.  I’m not a dentist, so why am I pulling teeth?

     So then there is the Giant.  What can say about him except that he still wants to move at warp speed and I keep dragging my feet, hoping rapist will come around.  It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to the Giant.  I need to just make my decision already and get on with it.  But it isn’t just Rapist who is holding me back from jumping into a relationship with the Giant, it’s me as well.

     Maybe I’m afraid he will make me happy, and I prefer the tumult and passion, the frustration and the constant struggle.  There is this line in a song that I love so much.  It goes: “it’s not supposed to be easy.  That’s why it feels so fucking good…”  I can’t remember the name of the song right now, but the lyrics ring pretty true to me.  No beer ever tastes better than the one you deserve, after working really hard for it and sweating your ass off, pushing yourself, struggling, wanting to give up and just say ‘fuck it!’ but powering through anyway.  Then and only then do you crack that beer with conviction and say to yourself ‘yeah, I fucking deserve this beer!’  Are relationships the same way, or are they supposed to just be effortless and fall in your lap?  Without the struggle, the pain, blood, tumult and emotionally agony, can it really be worth it, or am I just trying to complicate something that could actually be pretty straightforward and simple? 

     I’ve spoken about the Giant “situation” with several of my friends.  All of them have something different to say on the topic.  Again, more opinions and choices to choose from, when the only opinion that really matters is my own.  Now if only I could wrap my head around the way I feel about him, I could make my decision, but I can’t seem to get there.  Honestly, I feel emotionally paralyzed.  I can’t make a decision about either man.  It’s really driving me quite mad!  Is it any wonder I have been working Saturdays?  A day off means time to think.  Too much time to think.  No thank you!  I’d rather just bury myself in work and not think about anything.  If I’m busy working, I don’t have to make any decisions aside from which chore on the list to tackle first.  If I’m working, I don’t have to see anyone, explain myself, or make any life altering decisions.  If I’m constantly working I am not available to see someone who has the potential of either making me happy or disappointing me…  

     The thing is, as I have mentioned before, the Giant really is perfect for me, but he’s pushing me.  I can’t be forced!  In fact, if you try to force me it’s only going to work against you.  He is trying to push me into a relationship, but what he’s really doing is pushing me away.  I find his eagerness, sincerity, and conviction to make me “his” cloying and suffocating.  I need air!  I can’t breathe, and it leaves me gasping for breath, suffering from bouts of extreme anxiety and panic attacks.

     One of the things that I do really like about him though, and I mean aside from him being “perfect” on paper, is that he listens to me.  He is tolerant of the fact that I need space and time, he just doesn’t exactly enjoy it.  I try to go radio silent sometimes, and he picks up on it in a flash and somewhat forces me to come out with it.  Example?  Well, I always love providing examples;-)

Here is a text exchange we had just the other night…

The Giant:  If you don’t want me, or you are not ready, just tell me…  I do not want to be a burden or some foolish boy chasing the wounded, uncatchable and entirely content woman.  I wish you had the same gusto and desire to spend time together as I do.  I know you are very tired, overworked, stressed, guilt riddled with Peanut and his abandonment issues… I know these things and I wish they were easier, simpler, less cluttered…  But what fun would life be without drama, issues, work and stress?”

Me:  I’m sorry.  I know I am somewhat of a burden to you because I work all the time and you have the luxury of working from home.  I don’t know what to say except that I feel emotionally paralyzed.  I do want you, but I feel somewhat emotionally stunted, and so, unable to move forward or backward I want to hide in a corner with a blanket over my head and hope that no one sees me.  I spoke about you with my friend **** at length today.  He likes you for me.  I like you for me.  We both think that you are perfect for me and that we are perfect for each other.  I think I just need to focus on Vegas because of what it represents: saying goodbye to a really shitty year, and when I get back I will have shed my cocoon and will face the world fresh.  Does that make any sense?

He said he understood.  He even thanked me for finally expressing myself (I have communication and commitment issues, and I’m pretty sure I also have emotional problems.  But hey, don’t we all?).  You gotta love a man who is willing to give you the space you need, even if it’s begrudgingly.

     He wants me to hurry up, yet is willing to give me time.  He wants me to move in, yet is ok with me laughing in face over the matter.  He tells me he loves me, and doesn’t cry when I don’t say “I love you” back.  He knows if he doesn’t kiss my dog’s ass he doesn’t stand a chance.  He can dress up in a suit and have a numerous course meal and then put on jeans and a t-shirt, play some pool and get in a bar fight (he’d undoubtedly kick everyone’s ass too, which I hate to admit I find kind of hot…).  Social Distortion concert or an opera in San Francisco?  He is down for either one, and will dress appropriately and has the capacity to appreciate both equally.  Perhaps he is just as self-contradictory as I am.  But there is still something about him that just doesn’t sit right with me, and I am a huge believer in trusting my instincts (and of course, the fact that the thought of “possessing” the rapist makes my heart pound, and the blood surging through my veins, into my heart, and into my cunt…).  I even find it somewhat fishy that we have SO much in common.  Is it a coincidence or a conspiracy?    

     It just leaves me wondering, does he really like me that much, or is he just needy?  Do we really have that much in common, or did he internet stalk me?  I find it incredibly hard to believe that it’s humanly possible to have so many sincerely similar interests.  So is it me he really wants, or is he conforming to the version of himself that he thinks I want, much like my ex-husband did?  Is it sincere, or is it a lie?  Does he just want somebody, anybody, to have in his life?  Am I special, or am I simply there?   

At this point, I may as well be stoned and looking for the perfect toothpaste, because I’m no closer to making my decision than I was last week.  Thank God tomorrow is Monday and I don’t have to think again for a while…